7 Tips to Transform Disagreements for 2018

Below is an article that originally appeared in an ACR publication written by Kate Stewart. 

Enjoy!

Because we are friends or colleagues, I am taking the liberty of sending you this educational newsletter. To continue to receive the monthly Iron Scaffold newsletter, do nothing. Feel free to unsubscribe. Wishing you all the best!                  Kate Stewart, PhD

7 Tips to Transform Disagreements Into Opportunities in 2018 Most of us prefer to avoid thinking about conflict. But avoiding won’t make it go away. 冲突 The Chinese symbol for conflict means danger + opportunity. Conflict can be an unpleasant threat…or it can provide unexpected benefits. It’s really up to you. Since you will inevitably face disagreements in the workplace and in your personal relationships, here are some tips for making 2018 one of your best years yet. 1.  Manage your reaction. Conflict can bring out the worst in us. Anger, surprise, and hurt can trigger knee-jerk reactions we regret. They may feel good in the moment but rarely do emotional responses get us the best outcome. Want better results? Take a pause. Count to 10…or 100, vent the steam with physical exertion (sports, hard work, punching a pillow), or meditate. Do what it takes to gain perspective and commit to making the situation work for you instead of controlling you.   2.   Examine your stories. Think you understand the situation? Think again. We create meaning based on our histories and mental templates. Those are different for every one of us. Your counterpart’s story about the event is different from yours…but very true to him or her. These conflicting stories (explanations) are the primary cause of conflict. What is your story about the situation? What labels are you putting on it and on the participants? Is it possible there may be other explanations? Can you suspend your stories long enough to get more information? It may change your perspective…and improve your options. 3.  Ask questions. Asking questions often reveals information that challenges our assumptions. Answers we hear can expand our range of possible solutions. As a bonus, asking questions (not those dreadful leading questions, but questions asked in a genuine effort to learn and understand) softens others’ resistance, improving their ability to work with you to find a good solution. Start with open-ended questions – those that produce narrative, not a yes or noanswer. Contrary to what you may think, asking questions doesn’t reduce your power or leverage. Instead, the information you gain increases your power. 4.   Listen strategically.  Your counterpart may be angry, may offer insults or complaints, or may strongly voice a position. Strategic listeners notice the emotion but don’t let it trigger their own emotional response. Instead, they focus on listening for new information, underlying interests, and opportunities to build bridges and weaken walls.  Repeat what you hear and ask if you have it right. Ask clarifying questions. Be curious. 5.  Move from positions to interests. Think of two boxers. As one attacks, the other responds with equal or greater force. The dance continues until one overpowers the other or they reach a draw. Trying to win at the positional level is just like that. The more you argue your position, the more entrenched your counterpart becomes. Think you’re going to reach a mutually beneficial outcome? Not likely. Instead, listen for the interests under their position. Simon Sinek’s popular 2014 TED Talk encourages us to start with Why, not What. Try asking Why to soften the entrenchment and learn the underlying motivation. “Help me understand why getting a raise is important to you.” “I hear you saying that you’re unhappy with the relationship as it is now. Please explain why you would like it to change.” Make sure your tone shows a genuine desire to understand. It often helps to disclose your own Why. Don’t move to How until you fully understand Why. When you do, invite your counterpart to join you in brainstorming solutions that address their interests and yours, too. This technique reframes a lose-lose, positional argument into something much more useful - a joint problem-solving process. 6. Don’t settle for compromise. All our lives we’ve heard that compromise should be our goal. Frankly, compromise is an uninspired solution that rarely represents the best outcome for either side. Taking the time to explore underlying interests (see #5) ‘expands the pie’, allowing new, creative solutions to emerge that better meet the needs of everyone involved. Compromise is the best outcome only when (a) the pie has been expanded as much as possible, and (b) you are negotiating the division of a limited resource (e.g., money, time). 7.  Get help.  Sometimes we find ourselves unable to manage our emotions long enough to get the best outcome. Accept that. You’re human. Even the best negotiators and mediators sometimes get triggered. If you question your ability to manage conflict well and you care about the outcome, consider engaging a third-party neutral. It could be a person trusted by all participants. If such a person isn’t available, consider engaging a professional mediator. Few of us enjoy disagreement, and none of us can avoid it forever. Those who accept conflict as inevitable and manageable can minimize its disruption and even enjoy benefits they never expected. Wishing you a happy and prosperous 2018!  Providing Organizations and Individuals with: Training - Negotiation Skills,     Collaboration Skills,     Conflict Management Skills Alternative Dispute Resolution Workplace Mediation Team Performance Improvement Succession Planning Outsourced Ombuds Service Coaching Facilitation Organizational Dispute Resolution System Design  Kate Stewart, PhD, MBA  Certified Mediator

Article for 2018 on family law from Texas Lawyer Magazine

Now is the time for family lawyers and their clients to begin preparing for several revisions to the Texas Family Code that are set to take effect in 2018. The biggest, most-scrutinized change involves how courts will handle child support, which is almost always a big point of contention.

In nearly every family law case, the noncustodial parent, or “obligor,” feels like they are paying too much child support, while the custodial parent, or “obligee,” believes they are not receiving a sufficient amount to raise their child.

In Texas, outside of an agreement otherwise, Chapter 154 of the Texas Family Code (TFC) governs the amount of child support that the nonprimary must pay the custodial parent each month.

To determine the monthly payment, barring any special needs or other extenuating circumstances involving the child, the code requires that the court first calculate the noncustodial parent’s monthly net resources (monthly income after taxes).

Based on that amount and number of children, a certain percentage is deducted from the obligor’s monthly net resources and paid to the custodial parent. The percentage varies depending on the number of children, with a deduction ceiling of 40 percent for all cases involving five or more children.

The code also requires the court to order the noncustodial parent to provide medical coverage for the child at a reasonable cost (TFC Section 154.181). The cost of the child’s health insurance premium is deducted from the obligor’s monthly net income to determine the monthly net resources discussed above.

Significant 2018 Changes

Effective Sept. 1, 2018, the TFC will require courts to begin ordering obligors to also cover their child’s dental insurance at a reasonable cost in addition to health insurance. The dental premium cost will be deducted from the obligor’s monthly net resources for child support calculation purposes in the exact same manner as health insurance premium costs.

The biggest change taking effect on the same date is the court’s ability to modify child support when the parents reach an agreement on a payment amount that does not follow TFC guidelines.

Currently, TFC Section 154.401 holds that no matter if an agreement has been reached on an amount that deviates from the guidelines, the court can modify a child support order under three scenarios:

• The circumstances of the child or a person affected by the order have materially and substantially changed since the original order.

• The parties have reached a mediated or collaborative law settlement agreement.

• Within three years of the original order being rendered or last modified, the monthly amount of child support under the order differs either 20 percent or $100 from the amount that would be awarded in accordance with the TFC child support guidelines.

Once the new rules take effect next September, if divorcing parties agree to an order under which the amount of child support differs from what would have been awarded in accordance with TFC guidelines, then the court may modify the order only if the circumstances of the child or person affected by the order have materially and substantially changed since the date the order was rendered.

Statewide Impact

Plain and simple, this change will affect family law cases and child support payments statewide. By restricting the ability of courts to modify child support to a material and substantial change only, custodial parents who agree to deviate from TFC guidelines, absent a proven material and substantial change to current circumstances, will not have the luxury of simply waiting three years and hoping for an increase in the obligor’s monthly net resources.

Since it is very common for an individual’s employment experience to increase over a three-year span and, in turn, create a spike in income, this change precludes the custodial parent from simply presenting those facts to modify support.

Custodial parents who utilize the services of the attorney general in a Title IV-D family case are not restricted by the above change to modify support at any time, absent a showing of material and substantial change, if the order does not provide health care coverage or dental care coverage.

Considering that calculating dental care coverage is not required until next September, there likely will be a massive increase in child support modifications in Title IV-D cases once the new rules are implemented.

Looking Ahead

These changes not only will affect potential settlements between parents or conservators, but also the strategies and practices of every family law attorney practicing in the Lone Star State. Texas lawyers will soon have to advise their clients of the possible effects of deviating from TFC guidelines and the significant obstacles to modifying child support in the future.

Another consideration involves the possibility of previously amicable divorcing parties becoming less so due to them being forced to adhere to the new guidelines, which could create an increase in docket congestion and the amount of tax dollars spent by each county.

The final impact of these new rules will not be truly realized until after they’re implemented, but it is crucial for all family lawyers to know the details prior to Sept. 1, 2018.

This article was written by - Family law attorney Kris Balekian Hayes is the founder and president of Dallas-based Balekian Hayes. She has represented clients in Texas, Georgia and Oklahoma in all areas of family law, including contested divorces, child possession and child support disputes, and mediation proceedings. She can be reached at kris@bh-pllc.com.

Interesting Case re: mediation out of Amarillo Texas

Highsmith v. Highsmith, 2017 Tex. App. LEXIS 9213 (Texas. App. - Amarillo on September 28, 2017) (Cause No. 07-15-000407-CV)

Husband and Wife were contemplating divorce. They entered into a pre-suit Mediated Settlement Agreement. Husband eventually filed for divorce. Wife signed a Waiver of Service but did NOT waiver notice of hearings). BUT then Wife filed an Answer with the Court. Husband appeared without any notice to Wife and obtained approval of the settlement agreement and finalized divorce.

After divorce was granted, Wife hired an attorney. Trial court denied her motion to set aside the rendition and revoke the settlement agreement.

Court of Appeals thought the agreement did not comply with Family Code governing mediated settlement agreements since it was done PRIOR to the lawsuit being filed. BUT the Court felt the MSA was enforceable as a contract but then Wife could object using contract defenses and try to revoke it.

Court of Appeals held that Wife did not waive notice of hearings and filed an original Answer.
Wife had a fundamental right to receive notice of all hearings.

So Court of Appeals reversed and remanded for a new trial.

Motto of this finding -

Though not in Houston (it was Amarillo) it addresses an issue that I have been concerned about for quite some time.

If a couple comes to mediate BEFORE filing a lawsuit then either party can try to later revoke it for a variety of reasons.

So...file lawsuit then mediate. That would make it much harder to try to wiggle out of a mediated settlement agreement.

Free advice is sometimes not appreciated

I had a lady post on avvo.com a question about adopting children after having her parental rights terminated approx. 3 years ago for meth drug abuse.

And, she said that she just got out of jail for violating the terms of her probation and claims to currently be in rehab.

Perhaps I'm just old and crusty - but the above facts don't sound like any Harris County judge would allow her to adopt new children.

She did not like the advice I offered for FREE on a Sunday evening.

Oh well...it was worth what she paid -- nothing!

If an attorney takes the time to answer your numerous questions at least you could say thanks and look elsewhere for what you want to hear.

Being rude and nasty is just inappropriate.

My e-card from a couple of years ago.

Click on link to open up my e-card holiday card.

http://familylaw4u.com/ecard/

If you don't have a will & other documents in Texas - PLEASE do it now!

Please consider doing the following estate planning documents in 2018. A will is not enough.

You need these docs especially if you are single.

And, probate in Texas is fairly quick and easy if you have a good will. You need an indpendent executor to serve without a bond.

So PLEASE do them now!

1.      Revocation of Previous Powers of Attorneys

2.      HIPAA Authorization to medical providers

3.      Medical Power of Attorney

4.      Directive to Physicians & Family

5.      Declaration of Guardian In the Event of later Incapacity

6.      Statutory Durable Power of Attorney (financial affairs)

7.      Gift by a Living Donor

8.      Appointment for Disposition of Remains

9.      Will

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another year is rapidly coming to an end.

My Dad used to say that the older you get the quicker the years fly by.

So I want to wish everyone a wonderful and joyous Thanksgiving.
Be safe and savor the time you spend with friends, family and even strangers.

If you are reading my blog post, I want to wish you a very happy and healthy 2018 with a year filled with joy, laughter, abundance, fulfillment, peace and ease.

Huffington Post article written by jackie Pilossoph on Divorce

Jackie Pilossoph, Contributor

Creator, Divorced Girl Smiling

The One Thing That Will Give You Peace After Divorce

11/12/2017 09:26 am ET

Ask someone why he or she got divorced, and typically you’ll get one of these kinds of answers:

1. My husband left me.
2. My wife cheated.
3. My husband’s an asshole.
4. My wife’s a bitch.
5. We grew apart.
6. We were really unhappy.
7. We never loved each other.
8. How long do you have?

While I’m not judging anyone for what he or she wants to say or remember in their mind about why they ended up divorced, I think there are some divorced people who have an edge– they have something that helps them find peace and the strength to live a beautiful and authentic life moving forward. That edge is self-awareness.

These people have a gift of being able to look within, realize that divorce is never black and white, and take some accountability for their contribution to the demise of their marriage. And I believe that having the ability to admit some fault is the difference between not only moving on, but having better romantic relationships in the future.

Divorce is a journey. A long one. It’s brutally painful at times, a struggle that often feels hopeless, and includes a roller coaster of emotions, along with lots of mistakes. But, there are some surprisingly amazing parts of the journey. There are moments of sheer joy, inner strength and courage you never knew you had. It’s empowering and you are almost grateful–not that you got divorced, but that you had the privilege of this journey, no matter how painful it is at times.

Part of the journey is self-reflection, looking back and remembering the truth of what the marriage was really like. Some people, to self-protect, only remember this blissful marriage that they thought was perfect. They fail to recall little, subtle things that should have been red flags or signs that the marriage was troubled. Perhaps they turned a blind eye to things because they didn’t want to be divorced.

Others decide their ex is the devil and he or she was 100% to blame. This is easy to do if their spouse was the one who wanted the divorce and /or left for someone else. I’m not saying that someone who had an affair and ended a marriage over it should be vindicated. Having an affair is a horribly selfish, hurtful and cowardly thing to do, in my opinion. But the cheatee isn’t perfect either. And so if that person is willing to face up to that, I think they are better off.

Of the tens of thousands of comments and questions I have received to Divorced Girl Smiling over the years, this reader’s might be one of the most inspiring:

Divorce sucks. I did a lot of the wrong things in my marriage and don’t blame her for leaving. I own it. I do wish however she stayed to see my transformation and give us another chance. I hate that we can’t be together as a family with the kids. I hate some other male figure will be in my kids lives. But I did it and own it. At least I am becoming a better person as a result  #getcleanandsober

Whoever this guy is, I want to give him a huge hug and tell him how extremely amazing I think he is.

“I don’t blame her for leaving.”

“I own it.”

“I did it.”

“I am becoming a better person as a result.”

These are statements that only winners–with self-awareness would make. This guy is remorseful, but takes true accountability for his actions. Because of this, he has a better chance of finding inner peace and leading a happier, more fulfilling life, which includes better future romantic relationships.

His hash tag at the end: #getcleanandsober speaks volumes. I’m not sure if this guy realizes how special he is. Countless men and women with addiction issues don’t have the self-awareness needed to overcome the addiction, in my opinion, even after a divorce. This is a real man who has guts and I respect him unbelievably.

Self-awareness is defined as “knowing self well,” but put in the context of divorce, I think it means having the courage to look in the mirror and say, “Hey, a lot of this (or all or some or a little bit of this) was my fault.”

Another time I heard someone take accountability for his divorce was a few years ago when I was sitting at a Bears game and I met this guy sitting behind me. I’ll never forget. He said,

“I really didn’t treat my ex-wife like I should have. I loved her so much and I did some really stupid things that I truly regret now. I tried very hard to get her back but couldn’t and I have to live with that now.”

Isn’t that more refreshing and honest than someone who plays the victim and takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for anything that went wrong?? It’s maddening how some people just can’t see anything. It’s like they are blind.

The bottom line is, I think to find peace, acceptance and happiness in life after divorce—and to really move on, a person must have self-awareness. Without it, the future will never be as bright.

Self-awareness is the first step to making changes in your life to be the person you really want to be. No one is perfect, but I think we would all agree that each of us strives to continue to grow and evolve into a person we like more and more with each day.

No one can teach a person how to obtain self-awareness. It has to come from within. Faith, therapy, and leaning on friends and family help, but when it comes down to it, self-awareness is about opening your mind. It’s about remember things as they really happened–not what is convenient, or what you wish would have happened.

The journey of divorce never really ends, but rather it is melted into the journey of life. Those equipped with self-awareness will not only have a better journey, but will be able to live each day moving forward with grace, courage, strength, possibly with regret (which is OK), but absolutely with authenticity.

Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of her novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationship column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press. Pilossoph lives with her family in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.

This post is hosted on the Huffington Post's Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and post freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as 

Some of the new Texas laws for 2017

The Texas Legislature met this year and, as usual, many new laws are going into effect.

Here are just a few that involve family law or stalking.

1. There is a new revenge porn law now in effect.

2. The Penal Code for harassment now includes phone calls and electronic communications.

Look at Penal Code Section 42.07(a) and 47.072

3. Code of Criminal Procedure now includes stalking provisions that include that no prior relationship is needed and it can last a lifetime for the parties

4. Penal Code 37.09 has been revised to include evidence tampering that includes social media and creating fake evidence or destroying digitized evidence

5. The issues brought up in the Stephanie Lee case are being addressed in the Texas Family Code 153.0071 - family violence as well as impaired party's ability to reason and not in the child's best interest

If in doubt, talk to a Texas attorney that specializes in the area of the law that you have concerns or questions about regarding the new laws.

If you want a law changed, NOW is the time to begin working on it.
You need to contact your local Texas legislature representatives and begin working on the wording that you want for your change to a law or implementation of a new law.

The Texas Legislature meets again in 2019 and if you wait until 2019 it's probably too late.

To pass a law in Texas, you need to talk to your Texas representative, explain why the law is needed, get signatures supporting the law that you want added and/or changed, have people email their TX representatives voicing their desire to a change in Texas law and you need to be in Austin when the legislature meets in 2019 to talk to the reps. in person. It's a lot of work.